Sabbath

 Sabbath is the deliberate cessation of any activity that might reinforce my belief in my own self-sufficiency. (From Journey; daily devotions for women. Winter 2023)

Self-sufficiency. This concept resonates soundly in my innermost being. My mother tells me I was 'independent from birth'; I seemed to not want the same consoling, attention or coddling that other babies craved. When I left for college, I was adamant that I would not return to my childhood home to live. And, after that first summer of college, I didn't. I worked 2, sometimes 3, jobs in addition to a full course load, and very rarely accepted money from my dad after a weekend visit. I felt guilty taking money that I knew was in short supply and I wanted to be self-sufficient. One summer when my organic chemistry load was too great for my normal work schedule, I subsided on the cheapest boxed macaroni and cheese, and for some reason didn't find those 10 cent packages of Ramen noodles until a few years later! I slept in my car a few nights here and there when dorms were closed between semesters, too independent to ask my parents for help, or even my aunts and uncles who lived in the same city as I went to college in for a couch to sleep on. I thought I should be independent and self-sufficient, I felt like I was admitting some type of failure if I asked for help. 

I lived independently or with roommates for over a decade before getting married. When we first married, Mark worked out of town during the week. I would do things around the house that (only occasionally) would cause minor injury because I really could have used a second set of hands. He would ask me, "why didn't you wait until I got home to do that?" I would think, "why should I wait for someone else when I can just do it myself?" And now, even after 17 years, I oftentimes struggle with asking for anything I need from my husband, physical or emotional help. I still feel like I should be self-sufficient and not need anything from anyone else. 

Is it pride or arrogance? This self-sufficiency that seems so ingrained in me. Is it stubbornness or 'orneriness' as one of my aunts used to say? Could it be a strength that has brought me to the point I am today? Could it be a combination of all? Probably.

Deep down, I can see that there are positives in self-sufficiency, but personally I primarily see and feel negatives. For me, self-sufficiency is a protective measure and keeps me from being vulnerable with others. This, in turn, leaves me more alone, sometimes physically but mainly emotionally. I see that self-sufficiency affects my spiritual life and leaves me struggling to understand the concept of relying on God for all my needs. Maybe that is why the statement from the devotion today resonated strongly somewhere deep in my soul. Deliberate cessation of any activity that might reinforce my belief in my own self-sufficiency. What that looks like for myself I don't know, but there is something drawing me to dig deeper internally and prayerfully to find out. To God be the glory.