I've heard said that looking at a groom when he sees his bride for the first time is a favorite moment at a wedding. I believe that seeing a man support and love his partner and share in the joy of their child's birth is one of my favorite moments of attending births. Recently, I was able to share in one of these most sacred and precious moments.
The couple is young, early 20's, and have been married 2 years. They are both quiet, shy and humble. They were expecting their firstborn, a son. Her labor began on her estimated due date around 5 AM. Contractions grew stronger and closer together and she came to the hospital about 6 PM. She was 5 cm and laboring beautifully. She and her husband both come from families with long histories of natural childbirth and they planned for the same. Her husband was the only family member with her during her labor, as they desired, and he was the perfect labor companion. He walked with her, supported her during stronger contractions, rubbed and provided pressure on her back for many hours, and quietly spoke encouragement to her when she questioned how much longer she could continue. His hand and face were what she sought when she needed the extra support. His eyes glowed with love as he stayed by her side and provided what she needed. They met in Brazil, her home country, and occasionally they would quietly speak Portuguese. She would fall into her native tongue when her fatigue was greatest. Around 2 AM she was 8-9 cm and continued to labor beautifully. She hoped her baby would be born very soon, but that was not meant to be. At 6:15 AM she began to change positions to help her baby come down the birth path and make his grand entrance, which he did at 8:30 AM. What joy and exaltation when she first looked at his face, held him in her arms and heard his cry! That birth is a miracle is no understatement! As they welcomed their precious son, with tears in their eyes, they quietly shared words that I will cherish in my heart. He told her over and over again how amazing she was and how proud he was of her. He told her that he was so proud that she did it, that she delivered their son. She replied that THEY did it, and it was so heartfelt and tender that tears welled in my eyes too. Such a precious family, such a loved wife, husband and son. How humbling to be able to witness these moments!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Slinky
Today I used the slinky as an analogy for the vagina. It's a little odd and quite funny to me, but I think it works. Let me explain...
My client was a first time mom, a few weeks away from her due date, and very worried about how "parts that she really likes are about to get destroyed" by the birth of her baby. I kept trying to tell her how our bodies are made to labor and birth naturally but she was having none of it. My usual responses were not cutting it. There was a poster on the exam room wall that diagrams the female reproductive tract. I start pointing out the structure of the vagina and the rugae - the many folds along its length - and how they are designed to unfold, open and allow the baby to pass through. And that's when the slinky popped in my head. So I told her to think about a slinky - how it is compact and can stretch out to great length then return to the same compact size and not be destroyed. It seemed to work, and I have a new analogy!
My client was a first time mom, a few weeks away from her due date, and very worried about how "parts that she really likes are about to get destroyed" by the birth of her baby. I kept trying to tell her how our bodies are made to labor and birth naturally but she was having none of it. My usual responses were not cutting it. There was a poster on the exam room wall that diagrams the female reproductive tract. I start pointing out the structure of the vagina and the rugae - the many folds along its length - and how they are designed to unfold, open and allow the baby to pass through. And that's when the slinky popped in my head. So I told her to think about a slinky - how it is compact and can stretch out to great length then return to the same compact size and not be destroyed. It seemed to work, and I have a new analogy!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Birth Junkie
Hello, my name is Denise and I am a Birth Junkie.
This is the only way I can describe how hooked I am on birth! For many of you who also serve women and assist births, you know what I mean. I'm literally flying high on this extreme rush of adrenaline, joy, wonderment, awe and respect for this miracle I have just witnessed.
Don't get me wrong, there are lows in my passion of midwifery, but the highs are so incredibly high that they really do help carry me through those times when I question. Question if this is really my calling (it is), can I really do this another day (I can), is all the time and effort I put in worth it (it is), is this where I'm supposed to be (I believe so). I wish I could live on these highs sometimes. But then maybe I wouldn't appreciate them or recognize them for what they really are - a language that is speaking to my innermost being and drawing me closer to the One who created us, created me for this time, for this place, for this purpose and for this birth.
And that's how I know, without a doubt, without question, that this is my calling. Because these experienced draw me closer to God and make me want to shout out with praise for the miracles that He places literally in my hands. What an honor and blessing again and again and again!
Thank you so much to my friend who asked me to come assist her tonight for this birth - I am truly blessed beyond measure and beyond what I deserve!
This is the only way I can describe how hooked I am on birth! For many of you who also serve women and assist births, you know what I mean. I'm literally flying high on this extreme rush of adrenaline, joy, wonderment, awe and respect for this miracle I have just witnessed.
Don't get me wrong, there are lows in my passion of midwifery, but the highs are so incredibly high that they really do help carry me through those times when I question. Question if this is really my calling (it is), can I really do this another day (I can), is all the time and effort I put in worth it (it is), is this where I'm supposed to be (I believe so). I wish I could live on these highs sometimes. But then maybe I wouldn't appreciate them or recognize them for what they really are - a language that is speaking to my innermost being and drawing me closer to the One who created us, created me for this time, for this place, for this purpose and for this birth.
And that's how I know, without a doubt, without question, that this is my calling. Because these experienced draw me closer to God and make me want to shout out with praise for the miracles that He places literally in my hands. What an honor and blessing again and again and again!
Thank you so much to my friend who asked me to come assist her tonight for this birth - I am truly blessed beyond measure and beyond what I deserve!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Timing
You've heard the phrase, "Timing is everything." And timing is very important in so many aspects of life. However, in many instances in my world, I have no control over timing. Babies don't care if I just applied color to my hair, have only just slept 15 minutes in the last 24 hours, or just met my husband for a quick dinner before he leaves for work. When it's their time, I go.
But an aspect of timing that is even bigger than this has been tugging at my heart for years, and was again brought to life recently. I see it more as an orchestration of God's hand in our lives, and specifically in the lives of women and their babies. Scripture describes how we are knit together and known in the womb by God - made for His purposes. Is it any wonder that He is the orchestrator and protector of the timing of when His children appear into the world?
At times, emergent events have occurred that necessitate the immediate birth of babies and women in danger of death. Whether it is bleeding, seizures or other medical complications, these events break into our lives with the power of a bomb exploding, and have the potential for leaving death and destruction in their paths. So many of these times, God has arranged the timing of these event in such a way as to allow the perfect people to be in the right place, the right time, and with resources available just when they are needed. I have never seen these circumstances as mere chance or coincidence.
I will interject to explain that I work at a small, rural hospital that does not keep OB surgeons, anesthesia staff and OR staff on location all the time. This means that, in case of emergencies, people must be called in from home and it may be 15-30 minutes before they arrive on site. For many of these cases of which I refer, surgeons, anesthesia and those able to help in the OR are "in house" even if it is the middle of the night or a weekend when they would normally not be there.
Other events, which are not emergent, are just as poignant to me regarding God's timing of events surrounding birth. There are some women who specifically ask for you to attend them at the time of their child's birth. Sometimes their due time coincides with a vacation, a conference, or personal event that either I cannot miss or I feel is important for my personal life to attend. These births have always occurred at the perfect time for me to attend, even if it is only hours before I have to leave to catch a flight out of town. I again do not see these events as mere coincidences. I feel that I have thrown "chance" out the window of my belief system.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever told me was that they prayed for me to be there with them while they labored and delivered their child. What an incredible honor to have someone pray that prayer! And God has always allowed me to be there with them in that most intimate and precious moment when they welcomed a new member into their family. Such an honor and privilege to be witness to miracles!
But these moments are not always the joyous occasions. I know that God has orchestrated events surrounding miscarriage, stillborn and loss with the same compassion and care that He has for those who are blessed with what we consider better outcomes. It is in these moments that I must bow down to a God who is so much greater than anything I can fathom and stand in trust and faith that He put me there at that time also for His purpose. I feel that these moments teach me humility more than any others. Only by allowing God to speak through me and reach out to those who are hurting so deeply can I stand on that Holy Ground of loss. I continually pray that He moves through me and in spite of me and my human flesh to be His instrument in those times for the women and families that I am honored to serve.
But an aspect of timing that is even bigger than this has been tugging at my heart for years, and was again brought to life recently. I see it more as an orchestration of God's hand in our lives, and specifically in the lives of women and their babies. Scripture describes how we are knit together and known in the womb by God - made for His purposes. Is it any wonder that He is the orchestrator and protector of the timing of when His children appear into the world?
At times, emergent events have occurred that necessitate the immediate birth of babies and women in danger of death. Whether it is bleeding, seizures or other medical complications, these events break into our lives with the power of a bomb exploding, and have the potential for leaving death and destruction in their paths. So many of these times, God has arranged the timing of these event in such a way as to allow the perfect people to be in the right place, the right time, and with resources available just when they are needed. I have never seen these circumstances as mere chance or coincidence.
I will interject to explain that I work at a small, rural hospital that does not keep OB surgeons, anesthesia staff and OR staff on location all the time. This means that, in case of emergencies, people must be called in from home and it may be 15-30 minutes before they arrive on site. For many of these cases of which I refer, surgeons, anesthesia and those able to help in the OR are "in house" even if it is the middle of the night or a weekend when they would normally not be there.
Other events, which are not emergent, are just as poignant to me regarding God's timing of events surrounding birth. There are some women who specifically ask for you to attend them at the time of their child's birth. Sometimes their due time coincides with a vacation, a conference, or personal event that either I cannot miss or I feel is important for my personal life to attend. These births have always occurred at the perfect time for me to attend, even if it is only hours before I have to leave to catch a flight out of town. I again do not see these events as mere coincidences. I feel that I have thrown "chance" out the window of my belief system.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever told me was that they prayed for me to be there with them while they labored and delivered their child. What an incredible honor to have someone pray that prayer! And God has always allowed me to be there with them in that most intimate and precious moment when they welcomed a new member into their family. Such an honor and privilege to be witness to miracles!
But these moments are not always the joyous occasions. I know that God has orchestrated events surrounding miscarriage, stillborn and loss with the same compassion and care that He has for those who are blessed with what we consider better outcomes. It is in these moments that I must bow down to a God who is so much greater than anything I can fathom and stand in trust and faith that He put me there at that time also for His purpose. I feel that these moments teach me humility more than any others. Only by allowing God to speak through me and reach out to those who are hurting so deeply can I stand on that Holy Ground of loss. I continually pray that He moves through me and in spite of me and my human flesh to be His instrument in those times for the women and families that I am honored to serve.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Boundaries
I talk about boundaries all day every day. Boundaries are absolutely essential for our well being: physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I know the benefits, teach the concept, and encourage the formation of boundaries to women all the time. However, when it comes to my own life, boundaries are often blurred, obscured or completely absent.
My career is my passion but sometimes also my nemesis. Days are filled with working as quickly and efficiently as possible without giving the slightest impression that I am hurrying or not listening intentely to womens' concerns. I pray that I don't miss something in my pace or in my fatigue. Often my days are split between the office and the hospital, with my heart in both places but obviously physically present in only one. It's conflicting to say to a laboring woman that she is my priority when I am called back to the office, but women in the office have pressing needs that deserve my attention as well. Afternoons and evenings are often times a blur of finishing paperwork, returning phone calls, back and forth to the hospital and trying to find time to see my husband before he leaves for work. Nights are a toss up on if sleep or labor will come. Moon phases are on my radar like I never imagined.
How do I draw boundaries for myself without letting something slip? How do I keep my sanity and not fail to meet the needs of the women I am honored to serve?
Self-care is essential but seems out of reach and sometimes only wishful thinking. Burn out for midwives is extremely high and I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons. Low numbers of midwives providing care, lack of equal reimbursement for services provided, personal commitment to level of care women deserve and oftentimes do not receive from other providers, and a love for the miracle of pregnancy, labor and birth. These are just a few of the reasons that come to mind immediately.
While I struggle with these questions and with lack of sleep, I also know in my heart that I could not imagine any other path for me right now. So I press on and pray for strength, understanding, patience, wisdom and discernment. And most of all, right now as I head to bed, I pray for rejuvenating sleep!
My career is my passion but sometimes also my nemesis. Days are filled with working as quickly and efficiently as possible without giving the slightest impression that I am hurrying or not listening intentely to womens' concerns. I pray that I don't miss something in my pace or in my fatigue. Often my days are split between the office and the hospital, with my heart in both places but obviously physically present in only one. It's conflicting to say to a laboring woman that she is my priority when I am called back to the office, but women in the office have pressing needs that deserve my attention as well. Afternoons and evenings are often times a blur of finishing paperwork, returning phone calls, back and forth to the hospital and trying to find time to see my husband before he leaves for work. Nights are a toss up on if sleep or labor will come. Moon phases are on my radar like I never imagined.
How do I draw boundaries for myself without letting something slip? How do I keep my sanity and not fail to meet the needs of the women I am honored to serve?
Self-care is essential but seems out of reach and sometimes only wishful thinking. Burn out for midwives is extremely high and I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons. Low numbers of midwives providing care, lack of equal reimbursement for services provided, personal commitment to level of care women deserve and oftentimes do not receive from other providers, and a love for the miracle of pregnancy, labor and birth. These are just a few of the reasons that come to mind immediately.
While I struggle with these questions and with lack of sleep, I also know in my heart that I could not imagine any other path for me right now. So I press on and pray for strength, understanding, patience, wisdom and discernment. And most of all, right now as I head to bed, I pray for rejuvenating sleep!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Birth Trauma
Birth Trauma is an unfortunate reality in our world. Whether a woman enters her pregnancy with past abuse or experiences physical or emotional trauma during her current labor & birth, it is an issue of utmost importance and should be respected as such. It is multi-faceted and can have more of an impact on a woman's life than many people realize.
Birth Trauma can have its origination in past sexual, physical or psychological abuse. A woman may have repressed this abuse only to have it resurface during pregnancy, labor or birth. The vulnerability of labor may break down the walls of protection a woman constructed around herself, and can have tremendous impact on her birth experience. For some, the feeling of their baby moving down through the pelvis is so overwhelmingly negative that they physically and psychologically fight against it. I saw this happen with a young woman who never disclosed her history of abuse. Her labor was relatively quick for being a first time mother, and she quickly progressed from 4 to 9 cm dilated. When she started feeling the pressure of her baby's head moving down, and realizing the fact that her baby would pass through her vagina, she reacted with panic and fear. Within 30 minutes, her cervix closed to 6 cm and never opened again. Her eminent vaginal birth converted to a cesarean birth. In follow up care, she revealed that past abuse memories surfaced and were so overwhelming when she felt the pressure that she couldn't allow herself to move forward in birth.
Birth Trauma can be physical or psychological trauma that occurs during labor or birth, perpetrated intentionally or unintentionally by nurses or providers. It can also result from the physical nature of birth. While we all desire a calm and peaceful passage for babies, sometimes events unfold that can cause trauma. Vacuum and forceps are tools used occasionally to facilitate an operative vaginal birth. These tools can cause physical trauma that may lead to long-term problems for women. Unfortunately, there are people who attend women for labor and birth who intentionally cause trauma that can last the rest of her life. A woman I attended for birth came to the hospital with no prenatal care because her past birth trauma was so severe. Her 3rd child's birth was attended by a physician who is now in prison for sexual abuse of his patients. While 11 years passed from that time until the birth of her 4th baby, the damage from that experience greatly affects her still. She was unable to seek prenatal care due to fear and presented to the hospital 15 hours into labor. This was already longer than any of her other labors, which was concerning to her. Her labor was 28 1/2 hours in length and, especially during the time her baby was moving down, she appeared to emotionally distance herself from what was occuring in her body. The birth of her precious girl was a welcome surprise since her other children were boys. I pray that the care we provided to her will help to heal the past trauma in some way.
Birth Trauma can be psychological for women, especially if their labor and birth is not what they hoped for, planned, or expected. I find this most evident with women who prepare well for childbirth and then their labor ends with a cesarean birth. Unfortunately this type of birth trauma happens more frequently than it should because of our society and the elevated cesarean rate in the U.S. I feel that this type of birth trauma is addressed more frequently and many organizations exist whose purpose is to support women and help heal this trauma. I've also seen this type of birth trauma experienced by women who have, in my perspective, a beautiful and 'perfect' birth. One of my most memorable births was a first-time mom who had a waterbirth. One of my partners was also in attendance and we both felt that this birth renewed our spirits and exemplified what birth can be. We were both shocked when, upon her 2nd pregnancy, she discussed how she was traumatized by her previous birth experience. She felt so out of control, in so much pain and fearful that she would die that she was very anxious about repeating this process. A good portion of her early prenatal care involved processing her past experience and helping to heal and move forward with confidence and anticipation instead of fear and trepidation. Her 2nd waterbirth was so similar to her first, even down to the words of encouragement I spoke to her, and was an empowering and healing experience for her.
Birth Trauma is real and can be devestating. Interestingly, I find that subsequent labor and births can be the most healing experiences for women when they have past birth trauma. By respecting women, by respecting the impact their past experiences have had on their lives, and by honoring their wishes and their bodies, we have the opportunity to impact their lives in a positive way that only another birth can provide.
Birth Trauma can have its origination in past sexual, physical or psychological abuse. A woman may have repressed this abuse only to have it resurface during pregnancy, labor or birth. The vulnerability of labor may break down the walls of protection a woman constructed around herself, and can have tremendous impact on her birth experience. For some, the feeling of their baby moving down through the pelvis is so overwhelmingly negative that they physically and psychologically fight against it. I saw this happen with a young woman who never disclosed her history of abuse. Her labor was relatively quick for being a first time mother, and she quickly progressed from 4 to 9 cm dilated. When she started feeling the pressure of her baby's head moving down, and realizing the fact that her baby would pass through her vagina, she reacted with panic and fear. Within 30 minutes, her cervix closed to 6 cm and never opened again. Her eminent vaginal birth converted to a cesarean birth. In follow up care, she revealed that past abuse memories surfaced and were so overwhelming when she felt the pressure that she couldn't allow herself to move forward in birth.
Birth Trauma can be physical or psychological trauma that occurs during labor or birth, perpetrated intentionally or unintentionally by nurses or providers. It can also result from the physical nature of birth. While we all desire a calm and peaceful passage for babies, sometimes events unfold that can cause trauma. Vacuum and forceps are tools used occasionally to facilitate an operative vaginal birth. These tools can cause physical trauma that may lead to long-term problems for women. Unfortunately, there are people who attend women for labor and birth who intentionally cause trauma that can last the rest of her life. A woman I attended for birth came to the hospital with no prenatal care because her past birth trauma was so severe. Her 3rd child's birth was attended by a physician who is now in prison for sexual abuse of his patients. While 11 years passed from that time until the birth of her 4th baby, the damage from that experience greatly affects her still. She was unable to seek prenatal care due to fear and presented to the hospital 15 hours into labor. This was already longer than any of her other labors, which was concerning to her. Her labor was 28 1/2 hours in length and, especially during the time her baby was moving down, she appeared to emotionally distance herself from what was occuring in her body. The birth of her precious girl was a welcome surprise since her other children were boys. I pray that the care we provided to her will help to heal the past trauma in some way.
Birth Trauma can be psychological for women, especially if their labor and birth is not what they hoped for, planned, or expected. I find this most evident with women who prepare well for childbirth and then their labor ends with a cesarean birth. Unfortunately this type of birth trauma happens more frequently than it should because of our society and the elevated cesarean rate in the U.S. I feel that this type of birth trauma is addressed more frequently and many organizations exist whose purpose is to support women and help heal this trauma. I've also seen this type of birth trauma experienced by women who have, in my perspective, a beautiful and 'perfect' birth. One of my most memorable births was a first-time mom who had a waterbirth. One of my partners was also in attendance and we both felt that this birth renewed our spirits and exemplified what birth can be. We were both shocked when, upon her 2nd pregnancy, she discussed how she was traumatized by her previous birth experience. She felt so out of control, in so much pain and fearful that she would die that she was very anxious about repeating this process. A good portion of her early prenatal care involved processing her past experience and helping to heal and move forward with confidence and anticipation instead of fear and trepidation. Her 2nd waterbirth was so similar to her first, even down to the words of encouragement I spoke to her, and was an empowering and healing experience for her.
Birth Trauma is real and can be devestating. Interestingly, I find that subsequent labor and births can be the most healing experiences for women when they have past birth trauma. By respecting women, by respecting the impact their past experiences have had on their lives, and by honoring their wishes and their bodies, we have the opportunity to impact their lives in a positive way that only another birth can provide.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Provider
I am a healthcare provider but there are times, such as this morning, when I am humbly reminded of who the true Provider is in this world.
Some women are surrounded by friends, family and supporters during their pregnancy, labor and birth. Others quietly ask if someone would be available to be with them during their labor and birth because they may not have anyone able to come with them. I answered yes, absolutely, to this question and then hoped that I would be on call when her time came to birth her baby.
Weeks pass and more time is spent caring for this motherbaby duo - and the hope continues to grow that I will be there for her. It's hard to express the feeling of connection and compassion for many women who trust me with their healthcare needs during their pregnancies, but it is definitely present with this precious woman.
As her baby's birth day approaches, she is amazed at how God is providing support that she didn't think would be possible, that she was afraid to ask for, being offered to her willingly. I am excited to know that I am on call when her baby's time comes. As he is close to making his debut, there are some concerns and I do what I can - pray that God will protect her and her baby and continue to encourage her during those last few moments before he takes his first breaths. He is soon swaddled in his mother's loving arms and I am thankful to God for providing safe passage. Later in the day I am told that she prayed for me to be with her when she labored. She tells me that the words I spoke to her during those final moments were the only words she could hear and that they were exactly what she needed.
And I am so humbly reminded that I am not a provider. I am simply a vessel for God to work through, for God to speak through, for God to provide care to women in those intimate, precious moments. And I am thankful and grateful and awed by our amazing Provider God!
Some women are surrounded by friends, family and supporters during their pregnancy, labor and birth. Others quietly ask if someone would be available to be with them during their labor and birth because they may not have anyone able to come with them. I answered yes, absolutely, to this question and then hoped that I would be on call when her time came to birth her baby.
Weeks pass and more time is spent caring for this motherbaby duo - and the hope continues to grow that I will be there for her. It's hard to express the feeling of connection and compassion for many women who trust me with their healthcare needs during their pregnancies, but it is definitely present with this precious woman.
As her baby's birth day approaches, she is amazed at how God is providing support that she didn't think would be possible, that she was afraid to ask for, being offered to her willingly. I am excited to know that I am on call when her baby's time comes. As he is close to making his debut, there are some concerns and I do what I can - pray that God will protect her and her baby and continue to encourage her during those last few moments before he takes his first breaths. He is soon swaddled in his mother's loving arms and I am thankful to God for providing safe passage. Later in the day I am told that she prayed for me to be with her when she labored. She tells me that the words I spoke to her during those final moments were the only words she could hear and that they were exactly what she needed.
And I am so humbly reminded that I am not a provider. I am simply a vessel for God to work through, for God to speak through, for God to provide care to women in those intimate, precious moments. And I am thankful and grateful and awed by our amazing Provider God!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Connection
There are moments during some births that change your world. Moments when you almost become one with the laboring woman. Pace your breathing to lead her down a calmer path. Cool her face and neck with a cold cloth and feel refreshed yourself. Look into her eyes as she is focused so completely on you that you know your soul is connected to hers.
I experienced one of these births this morning. What a blessing!
I do love birth. I love the babies, love to see them as they open their eyes and start to take in all the outside world. But I love labor and the actual birth more than anything. I love sitting with women as they labor, holding their hands, attending to them as they do the work of bringing their little baby into their arms. And I love the connection with women when you know deep in your being that you are part of something that has no words.
There is a sense of calm, sense of peace, a sense of wonder at what is happening in her body. And then comes the feeling, the sensation of knowing that her baby is coming very soon - and that's when the look in her eyes comes. She looks at you with wide eyes, deep breath, sometimes sounds, and all heart. That's when everyone and everything else in the room disappears. That's when you know you are about to witness a miracle.
Every time I am amazed and humbled at the power of birth. And I am humbled by the fact that I am allowed to participate in these miracles! I feel my heart swell a little bit larger as it envelops the glory of birth - and I can only respond with praise to the One who is Creator of us all.
I experienced one of these births this morning. What a blessing!
I do love birth. I love the babies, love to see them as they open their eyes and start to take in all the outside world. But I love labor and the actual birth more than anything. I love sitting with women as they labor, holding their hands, attending to them as they do the work of bringing their little baby into their arms. And I love the connection with women when you know deep in your being that you are part of something that has no words.
There is a sense of calm, sense of peace, a sense of wonder at what is happening in her body. And then comes the feeling, the sensation of knowing that her baby is coming very soon - and that's when the look in her eyes comes. She looks at you with wide eyes, deep breath, sometimes sounds, and all heart. That's when everyone and everything else in the room disappears. That's when you know you are about to witness a miracle.
Every time I am amazed and humbled at the power of birth. And I am humbled by the fact that I am allowed to participate in these miracles! I feel my heart swell a little bit larger as it envelops the glory of birth - and I can only respond with praise to the One who is Creator of us all.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Challenge of the Tongue
There were certain challenges I knew I would face when becoming a midwife. There are other challenges that I just didn't expect to face at such a frequent rate - my foot in my mouth being one of them!
Lately I have have been very convicted of my tongue. It is a message that God has been sending me for YEARS and I just keep failing over and over and over. There have been many times that I regret what I have said but there is little or no negative impact. There have been a few times when I have made comments that break that trust and relationship that I have with a woman coming to me for care. These are not comments said in anger or meant to harm, but they have possibly been spoken with the wrong motive on my part, in the wrong tone, or mainly just at the wrong time. In my mind, there has been some misunderstanding on the part of the woman, but the comment is said and the damage is done nonetheless.
How I wish I could erase these comments or at least convey my true regret and sorrow to these women for the hurt I caused. Even after heartfelt apologies, I can feel that the relationship is damaged.
I wish I had better control over my tongue - I pray for this often but not nearly enough. I ask for forgiveness and strength and wisdom to continue this path of bridling my willful tongue.
Lately I have have been very convicted of my tongue. It is a message that God has been sending me for YEARS and I just keep failing over and over and over. There have been many times that I regret what I have said but there is little or no negative impact. There have been a few times when I have made comments that break that trust and relationship that I have with a woman coming to me for care. These are not comments said in anger or meant to harm, but they have possibly been spoken with the wrong motive on my part, in the wrong tone, or mainly just at the wrong time. In my mind, there has been some misunderstanding on the part of the woman, but the comment is said and the damage is done nonetheless.
How I wish I could erase these comments or at least convey my true regret and sorrow to these women for the hurt I caused. Even after heartfelt apologies, I can feel that the relationship is damaged.
I wish I had better control over my tongue - I pray for this often but not nearly enough. I ask for forgiveness and strength and wisdom to continue this path of bridling my willful tongue.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Why We Fight
My husband is a Band of Brothers fan. I'm not sure how many times I've watched the entire series with him, and the number of times he has watched it far surpasses mine. One episode is titled "Why We Fight." It is towards the end of the war and thousands of Germans are surrendering each day. A magazine article being read by one of the members of Easy Company describes why Americans are fighting in Europe. "Apparently the Nazis are bad, very bad" is the summation by the private. Another private starts yelling at the surrendered men and asks the rhetorical question, "Why are we even here?!" In midwifery, I sometimes feel the same way that Private Webster felt; tired, frustrated, angry at ignorance, haggard, and wanting someone to yell at and vent my emotions.
So why are we here? To fight. To fight for women's rights, to fight for birth's rights, to fight for society's rights. When birth is relegated to being a medical disaster waiting to happen, women become simply incubators that are to be manhandled and controlled until the desired outcome is achieved: the delivery of a child. Then, and only then, the woman becomes a woman again, a mother, a human, who is supposed to not dwell on the trauma and abuse that just happened to her and her body and rejoice that she was spared from the dangers of delivery and that her baby has survived such a traumatic event. I ask myself so many times, how can people see this and not just be horrified and outraged?! How can they sit by and not fight for their family member or their friend when they are being physically attacked? Would they do the same thing in another situation - out walking in their neighborhood, if someone came into their home? NO!! They would FIGHT for their loved one's safety and FIGHT to get away from this attacker. Why is it that when the letters MD are attached to someones name they suddenly become some form of god-like figure and are allowed to attack women?
And so we fight. We stand up to say that birth does matter. That women's choices to labor and birth her baby how she deems best are worth fighting for. We fight to say that women are capable of making informed decisions regarding where they birth and how they birth - in water, standing up, laying down, squatting, hanging upside down for all I care. We fight to say that it does matter how a woman feels about herself before, during and after she births her baby. We fight to empower women to know that they are able to deliver their child without surgery, without instruments, without someone yelling "PUSH!" at them. And then we rejoice with them when they reach down and pull their baby up to their chest. We cry and laugh and hug and celebrate that they have a new member of their family who has just entered the world - because it truely is a miracle every time birth happens.
Birth matters. More than many know and more than many may like to admit. And so we fight; another day, another month, another year. Because birth matters.
So why are we here? To fight. To fight for women's rights, to fight for birth's rights, to fight for society's rights. When birth is relegated to being a medical disaster waiting to happen, women become simply incubators that are to be manhandled and controlled until the desired outcome is achieved: the delivery of a child. Then, and only then, the woman becomes a woman again, a mother, a human, who is supposed to not dwell on the trauma and abuse that just happened to her and her body and rejoice that she was spared from the dangers of delivery and that her baby has survived such a traumatic event. I ask myself so many times, how can people see this and not just be horrified and outraged?! How can they sit by and not fight for their family member or their friend when they are being physically attacked? Would they do the same thing in another situation - out walking in their neighborhood, if someone came into their home? NO!! They would FIGHT for their loved one's safety and FIGHT to get away from this attacker. Why is it that when the letters MD are attached to someones name they suddenly become some form of god-like figure and are allowed to attack women?
And so we fight. We stand up to say that birth does matter. That women's choices to labor and birth her baby how she deems best are worth fighting for. We fight to say that women are capable of making informed decisions regarding where they birth and how they birth - in water, standing up, laying down, squatting, hanging upside down for all I care. We fight to say that it does matter how a woman feels about herself before, during and after she births her baby. We fight to empower women to know that they are able to deliver their child without surgery, without instruments, without someone yelling "PUSH!" at them. And then we rejoice with them when they reach down and pull their baby up to their chest. We cry and laugh and hug and celebrate that they have a new member of their family who has just entered the world - because it truely is a miracle every time birth happens.
Birth matters. More than many know and more than many may like to admit. And so we fight; another day, another month, another year. Because birth matters.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Dreams Keeping Me Awake
The past several months have brought a resurgence to my desires to have a better birthing world established here for the women of Toccoa. I am staying awake at night because I keep imagining all the possibilities of getting my dream up and running. Of course, the main limiting factor is money, so I believe I will need to become accomplished in grant writing.
Several years ago I read of a midwifery practice in Taos, NM and I've dreamed of recreating that for myself. I feel like things could be moving in that direction, and I feel that God is leading me down a path that will one day maybe reach this goal. That is my hope anyway.
There is an empty apartment building right in town that has been for sale since I moved here (5 years ago) that I feel would be perfect for the midwifery clinic and birth center. It's a central location and only a 2 minute drive to the hospital when transfer is needed. It's a beautiful building that just stands empty and it would be wonderful to see it used again. I can see a large waiting room that can be used for meetings and education sessions. Plenty of room for offices and exam rooms. A whole floor can be the birth center with 3-4 birth suites all with large tubs. There would be space to house counselors and nutritionists and lactation counselors to help the many needs of women and families. And I've talked so much about having a clothing center for maternity clothes and baby clothes for those who can't afford them on their own.
So many dreams! How to make them a reality is the big question. I think I may need to make a trip to Taos to meet with the midwives and see what I can learn from them. It's a huge undertaking, but so needed in this town.
Several years ago I read of a midwifery practice in Taos, NM and I've dreamed of recreating that for myself. I feel like things could be moving in that direction, and I feel that God is leading me down a path that will one day maybe reach this goal. That is my hope anyway.
There is an empty apartment building right in town that has been for sale since I moved here (5 years ago) that I feel would be perfect for the midwifery clinic and birth center. It's a central location and only a 2 minute drive to the hospital when transfer is needed. It's a beautiful building that just stands empty and it would be wonderful to see it used again. I can see a large waiting room that can be used for meetings and education sessions. Plenty of room for offices and exam rooms. A whole floor can be the birth center with 3-4 birth suites all with large tubs. There would be space to house counselors and nutritionists and lactation counselors to help the many needs of women and families. And I've talked so much about having a clothing center for maternity clothes and baby clothes for those who can't afford them on their own.
So many dreams! How to make them a reality is the big question. I think I may need to make a trip to Taos to meet with the midwives and see what I can learn from them. It's a huge undertaking, but so needed in this town.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Lady's Hands, Lion's Heart: A Midwife's Saga
I just finished reading Lady's Hands, Lion's Heart by Carol Leonard and am again amazed, awed, humbled and rejuvenated by birth. It speaks to my heart in a way that is so tender, powerful, spiritual, miraculous, and invigorating all at the same time. I know in my soul that I am called to be a midwife and to serve God by serving women. The events that occur in pregnancy, labor and birth are sacred and it is my calling to help preserve this gift for women who I come in contact with. It is hard for me to even express how I feel because it is such a base and core emotion - this is part of my spiritual life and connection to God.
I continue to meditate on that we are knit together in the womb by God and what an unbelievable gift that is! No matter how much we know about DNA, chromosomes, genes, meiosis and mitosis, we can never understand how God forms us, molds us and breathes life into us while we are inside the womb. Praise God!
Reading works such as this fuels the fire in me to continue to support women's choices, to trust their bodies and to trust birth. Trust that God is in control and guides our ways, guides my hands as I feel how a baby is laying inside her mother's belly. Guides my intuition as I labor sit with women, guides her body as she births her child. I love in the book that Carol "attends" women and babies at their births. We don't deliver babies - we attend women and we catch babies! What an amazing honor!
I am so grateful for the journey I have taken to arrive at my present location, knowing the women that I know, serving with the midwives in my community and very much anticipating the future. I pray for many more years as a midwife to women and their families.
I continue to meditate on that we are knit together in the womb by God and what an unbelievable gift that is! No matter how much we know about DNA, chromosomes, genes, meiosis and mitosis, we can never understand how God forms us, molds us and breathes life into us while we are inside the womb. Praise God!
Reading works such as this fuels the fire in me to continue to support women's choices, to trust their bodies and to trust birth. Trust that God is in control and guides our ways, guides my hands as I feel how a baby is laying inside her mother's belly. Guides my intuition as I labor sit with women, guides her body as she births her child. I love in the book that Carol "attends" women and babies at their births. We don't deliver babies - we attend women and we catch babies! What an amazing honor!
I am so grateful for the journey I have taken to arrive at my present location, knowing the women that I know, serving with the midwives in my community and very much anticipating the future. I pray for many more years as a midwife to women and their families.
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