I've mentioned in a past blog that transitions are hard on me, but that my transition from Women's Wellness Center to Journey of Life Midwifery has been miraculously smooth. Well it seems that I've hit some bumps in the road the past few days and I have struggled. Actually I've felt like I'm losing my mind a few times. Tonight it seemed to come to a head and maybe I've learned something.
I've learned that I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I fail, repeatedly. I know, shocker, right?
The thing is, I thought I had learned this lesson before - many, many times actually. Here's the problem with me - I'm hard-headed and stubborn and sometimes I find myself walking down the same mistake-filled road, winding up at the same dead end, feeling so frustrated that I am there AGAIN, and it hits me - I'm not perfect!
You see, I'm a perfectionist. I learned this about myself many years ago in counseling. I learned what a perfectionist is, how a perfectionist acts, why a perfectionist gets so frustrated with others and themselves, and how to cope with being a perfectionist. I prided myself on figuring all this out and overcoming it.
I pride myself on having things together - on being the "organized one." The one who seems to have it all together and who has somehow learned a thing or two and can now help others. But there's the rub - there is the root of my problem - my pride.
-The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’ Obadiah 1:3
-When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
For over a year I've specifically prayed for humility. I know that I struggle with pride, with feeling like I have to, and that I do, have it together. That I have figured something out and that I am somehow making it on my own. And I know that I don't. I know that I am a broken, sinful person who can only claim forgiveness and grace as my salvation - but I have this pride that likes to rear it's ugly head way too much. So I pray for humility. I read scriptures about humility. For the majority of the year, our sermons have been about humility and meekness. I feel walls breaking down and a closeness with God growing. And then I start making mistakes. Mistakes in bookkeeping that lead to penalty fees. I've prided myself in never having penalty fees. Mistakes in organization that don't really have bad consequences but that make me look ill prepared. I've prided myself on being organized and always prepared. I find myself getting so upset with myself that I am retreating to old ways - self destructive ways that I thought I had left in the past but apparently I still have tucked away for just such an occasion...
Interestingly enough, a scene from Evan Almighty is what brings me to my knees. Morgan Freeman playing God is serving as a waiter to Evan's wife after she leaves Evan building an ark. I can't remember exactly the words, but it is essentially this: How do we gain courage if we're never in a situation where we have to be courageous? This scene resonated with me at the time I saw it, but it hit home tonight. How do I learn humility if I'm not in situations where I have to show humility - even to myself?
I am reminded of why perfectionism is a sin - why it separates me from God. If I am striving to be perfect and I convince myself that I have reached some place of "arrival" or "having it together-ness" then I have put myself on a pedestal on which I don't belong. My pride begins to swell because I feel like I have done something that sets me apart and above others. I begin to see myself in a role that is God's role. I have made myself my idol.
Lord, forgive me!
