I've mentioned in a past blog that transitions are hard on me, but that my transition from Women's Wellness Center to Journey of Life Midwifery has been miraculously smooth. Well it seems that I've hit some bumps in the road the past few days and I have struggled. Actually I've felt like I'm losing my mind a few times. Tonight it seemed to come to a head and maybe I've learned something.
I've learned that I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I fail, repeatedly. I know, shocker, right?
The thing is, I thought I had learned this lesson before - many, many times actually. Here's the problem with me - I'm hard-headed and stubborn and sometimes I find myself walking down the same mistake-filled road, winding up at the same dead end, feeling so frustrated that I am there AGAIN, and it hits me - I'm not perfect!
You see, I'm a perfectionist. I learned this about myself many years ago in counseling. I learned what a perfectionist is, how a perfectionist acts, why a perfectionist gets so frustrated with others and themselves, and how to cope with being a perfectionist. I prided myself on figuring all this out and overcoming it.
I pride myself on having things together - on being the "organized one." The one who seems to have it all together and who has somehow learned a thing or two and can now help others. But there's the rub - there is the root of my problem - my pride.
-The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’ Obadiah 1:3
-When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
For over a year I've specifically prayed for humility. I know that I struggle with pride, with feeling like I have to, and that I do, have it together. That I have figured something out and that I am somehow making it on my own. And I know that I don't. I know that I am a broken, sinful person who can only claim forgiveness and grace as my salvation - but I have this pride that likes to rear it's ugly head way too much. So I pray for humility. I read scriptures about humility. For the majority of the year, our sermons have been about humility and meekness. I feel walls breaking down and a closeness with God growing. And then I start making mistakes. Mistakes in bookkeeping that lead to penalty fees. I've prided myself in never having penalty fees. Mistakes in organization that don't really have bad consequences but that make me look ill prepared. I've prided myself on being organized and always prepared. I find myself getting so upset with myself that I am retreating to old ways - self destructive ways that I thought I had left in the past but apparently I still have tucked away for just such an occasion...
Interestingly enough, a scene from Evan Almighty is what brings me to my knees. Morgan Freeman playing God is serving as a waiter to Evan's wife after she leaves Evan building an ark. I can't remember exactly the words, but it is essentially this: How do we gain courage if we're never in a situation where we have to be courageous? This scene resonated with me at the time I saw it, but it hit home tonight. How do I learn humility if I'm not in situations where I have to show humility - even to myself?
I am reminded of why perfectionism is a sin - why it separates me from God. If I am striving to be perfect and I convince myself that I have reached some place of "arrival" or "having it together-ness" then I have put myself on a pedestal on which I don't belong. My pride begins to swell because I feel like I have done something that sets me apart and above others. I begin to see myself in a role that is God's role. I have made myself my idol.
Lord, forgive me!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Endings and Beginnings
I am coming to the end of my time at Women's Wellness Center and I feel myself both longing for the next step and feeling sadness over leaving. I am so thankful for my time at Women's Wellness Center and working at Stephens County Hospital. I always thought I would be moving away from Toccoa when I left the clinic, so I am excited that my new practice allows me to remain here and maintain friendships without miles between us.
I find myself saying, "This is the last Wed/Thurs being on call for the clinic," "This is the last time going to this satellite office," "This is my last time to see this client," "This may be the last birth I attend with this particular nurse." Last week I said, "This is the last waterbirth I will attend at Stephens County Hospital." And it did not disappoint on so many levels.
My friend was expecting her fourth child, and I have been blessed to attend all of her births. Every one has been so special and unique, but there have been similarities that tie them all together in such a precious way. I was looking forward to this birth for many reasons. Her first child's birth, I believe, will always be one of my most precious memories as I reflect on my midwifery career. She and her husband are incredible musicians and songwriters and they had written a song for their firstborn. After a beautiful labor and birth, she and her husband held their daughter and sang to her the song written especially for her. Every once in awhile I listen to that song and can picture that moment replayed in my mind. Another reason this birth was so special was because it was shared with one of my best friends and midwifery partners. She was the newest midwife in our practice and had not attended many waterbirths at our clinic yet, so I came in to help set up the tub and be an extra set of hands. I didn't know if I would even stay much longer after getting things set up because it was getting late and my on call days were coming. (It's always a good idea to get a full night's sleep before a few days of call!) But, my friend's labor was progressing rapidly and I decided to stay, and I am so glad that I did. This waterbirth was one of the first that my partner and I attended together and I feel like it bonded our friendship in a special way.
My friend's second and third births were very similar, except much faster - her third was so fast I didn't know if I would get the tub filled before her baby made his appearance! Each birth was peaceful, joyful, reverent, and so full of love for this newest member of their family. Each baby heard their parents singing a song of welcome and celebration within moments of being in their arms. Their third birth was unique in that their two older children were spending the night at their grandparents' house. Her labor was so quick that no one knew they were headed to the hospital, much less that their son was born. They revelled in celebrating their son's birth completely alone, and greatly enjoyed calling to share the news a few hours later!
As her fourth child's birth approached, I realized this would be my last waterbirth as a midwife with Women's Wellness Center. I so wished my midwifery partner with whom I shared the first birth still lived here so she could also attend this birth, but I knew that wasn't possible. My friend's labor was different in some ways this time. This was her first labor and birth that would take place during daylight hours. It seemed strange to see sunlight through the window as we waited for the birth. We walked several laps in the hallway talking between contractions, mainly about the meaning behind some of their songs, before filling the tub for the remainder of her labor and birth. We talked and laughed and I stood by as her husband supported her during the contractions. I purposefully set up the tub in the same room in which she delivered her other three children, and also the room in which my midwifery partner had delivered her baby last year. That room is almost sacred to me because of the worshipful births I have attended in it and I couldn't imagine this event taking place anywhere else. As she labored in the tub, worship music filled the room; manyof the songs written and sung by her husband. Prayers were said, songs were sung, hands were lifted, and God was present in our midst. Observing this beautiful moment was overwhelming and tears of gratitude streamed down my face. Before long, their son was ready to make his appearance. His birth was peaceful and perfect and, as with his siblings, he was welcomed with singing by his parents, prayers of thanksgiving, and joy that he was here. As with their first birth, this birth was attended by two midwives. My new midwifery partner was also in attendance. She is new to our practice and was there to learn how to set up the tub and to help be an extra set of hands. I am so glad that she was able to be there with me. It wasn't until later that I thought about the connection between my friend's births and my fellow midwives - it is special to me that I have been able to pass on the tradition of waterbirth to the newest members of our team. I feel as though I passed the torch on to my new partner and know that women are in excellent hands as I transition to my new practice.
I have only a few days left, only a few more births, only a few more memories to make working at the clinic. This ending opens the door to my new beginning as a midwife with Journey of Life Midwifery. So thankful to all those who let me share in their journeys, and look forward to many more.
*Birth stories used with permission.
I find myself saying, "This is the last Wed/Thurs being on call for the clinic," "This is the last time going to this satellite office," "This is my last time to see this client," "This may be the last birth I attend with this particular nurse." Last week I said, "This is the last waterbirth I will attend at Stephens County Hospital." And it did not disappoint on so many levels.
My friend was expecting her fourth child, and I have been blessed to attend all of her births. Every one has been so special and unique, but there have been similarities that tie them all together in such a precious way. I was looking forward to this birth for many reasons. Her first child's birth, I believe, will always be one of my most precious memories as I reflect on my midwifery career. She and her husband are incredible musicians and songwriters and they had written a song for their firstborn. After a beautiful labor and birth, she and her husband held their daughter and sang to her the song written especially for her. Every once in awhile I listen to that song and can picture that moment replayed in my mind. Another reason this birth was so special was because it was shared with one of my best friends and midwifery partners. She was the newest midwife in our practice and had not attended many waterbirths at our clinic yet, so I came in to help set up the tub and be an extra set of hands. I didn't know if I would even stay much longer after getting things set up because it was getting late and my on call days were coming. (It's always a good idea to get a full night's sleep before a few days of call!) But, my friend's labor was progressing rapidly and I decided to stay, and I am so glad that I did. This waterbirth was one of the first that my partner and I attended together and I feel like it bonded our friendship in a special way.
My friend's second and third births were very similar, except much faster - her third was so fast I didn't know if I would get the tub filled before her baby made his appearance! Each birth was peaceful, joyful, reverent, and so full of love for this newest member of their family. Each baby heard their parents singing a song of welcome and celebration within moments of being in their arms. Their third birth was unique in that their two older children were spending the night at their grandparents' house. Her labor was so quick that no one knew they were headed to the hospital, much less that their son was born. They revelled in celebrating their son's birth completely alone, and greatly enjoyed calling to share the news a few hours later!
As her fourth child's birth approached, I realized this would be my last waterbirth as a midwife with Women's Wellness Center. I so wished my midwifery partner with whom I shared the first birth still lived here so she could also attend this birth, but I knew that wasn't possible. My friend's labor was different in some ways this time. This was her first labor and birth that would take place during daylight hours. It seemed strange to see sunlight through the window as we waited for the birth. We walked several laps in the hallway talking between contractions, mainly about the meaning behind some of their songs, before filling the tub for the remainder of her labor and birth. We talked and laughed and I stood by as her husband supported her during the contractions. I purposefully set up the tub in the same room in which she delivered her other three children, and also the room in which my midwifery partner had delivered her baby last year. That room is almost sacred to me because of the worshipful births I have attended in it and I couldn't imagine this event taking place anywhere else. As she labored in the tub, worship music filled the room; manyof the songs written and sung by her husband. Prayers were said, songs were sung, hands were lifted, and God was present in our midst. Observing this beautiful moment was overwhelming and tears of gratitude streamed down my face. Before long, their son was ready to make his appearance. His birth was peaceful and perfect and, as with his siblings, he was welcomed with singing by his parents, prayers of thanksgiving, and joy that he was here. As with their first birth, this birth was attended by two midwives. My new midwifery partner was also in attendance. She is new to our practice and was there to learn how to set up the tub and to help be an extra set of hands. I am so glad that she was able to be there with me. It wasn't until later that I thought about the connection between my friend's births and my fellow midwives - it is special to me that I have been able to pass on the tradition of waterbirth to the newest members of our team. I feel as though I passed the torch on to my new partner and know that women are in excellent hands as I transition to my new practice.
I have only a few days left, only a few more births, only a few more memories to make working at the clinic. This ending opens the door to my new beginning as a midwife with Journey of Life Midwifery. So thankful to all those who let me share in their journeys, and look forward to many more.
*Birth stories used with permission.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Manna from Heaven
"The Israelites ate manna for forty years" Exodus 16:35
I've heard the story my entire life - Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt. They wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. God provided manna for them to eat. God led them to the promised land. - but in reading this section of Exodus recently, I think the implications of this provision really started to sink in.
I think I've always thought more of the plagues of Egypt and the parting of the Red Sea, those seemingly "big" miracles that the storyboards in Sunday school depicted. But as I am learning more and leaning more on God as my Provider I read this story in a different light. For 40 years, God provided the perfect amount of food for each person each day. They were commanded to only gather enough to eat in one day (except on the sixth day they gathered enough for 2 days - the second day being a day of rest) and any extra gathered on the first six days was rotten by morning. They had to trust God completely to only gather enough food for one day and not have any in store for the future. And this happened every day for 40 years!
I am 36 years old and it is astounding to me to think of my entire lifespan being one of waking up each day and trusting that there would be food for that day again provided. Would I be amazed every day like I was at the beginning? Would it become expected? Would I take it for granted? It seems like the Israelites did because they continued to grumble and complain as God was so clearly guiding them and providing for them. Why would I expect to be any different?
As my new practice is growing, I am nearing the end of my time at my current job. I admit that there have been times when I wonder if there will be money to pay the bills, money for food, money for gas. The thought of not having a paycheck coming on a regular scheduled basis is frightening. But then I look at what God has done in such a short period of time. There is no doubt that God is behind Journey of Life Midwifery. That He is leading us and providing for our every need - above and beyond what we imagined! And as I get to this moment of trusting, the moment I step away from a known to the unknown, do I believe that God is going to provide for my needs? The answer, I am learning, is yes.
In the inner peace that defies my understanding (and past personal experience) I hear God saying that I don't have to worry about any of this. Just as I don't worry about if my heart is going to continue to beat or if I will be able to draw in my next breath, I don't have to worry if there will be enough. Because God is my Provider. And with God, there is always the perfect amount at the perfect time.
To God be the glory!
I've heard the story my entire life - Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt. They wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. God provided manna for them to eat. God led them to the promised land. - but in reading this section of Exodus recently, I think the implications of this provision really started to sink in.
I think I've always thought more of the plagues of Egypt and the parting of the Red Sea, those seemingly "big" miracles that the storyboards in Sunday school depicted. But as I am learning more and leaning more on God as my Provider I read this story in a different light. For 40 years, God provided the perfect amount of food for each person each day. They were commanded to only gather enough to eat in one day (except on the sixth day they gathered enough for 2 days - the second day being a day of rest) and any extra gathered on the first six days was rotten by morning. They had to trust God completely to only gather enough food for one day and not have any in store for the future. And this happened every day for 40 years!
I am 36 years old and it is astounding to me to think of my entire lifespan being one of waking up each day and trusting that there would be food for that day again provided. Would I be amazed every day like I was at the beginning? Would it become expected? Would I take it for granted? It seems like the Israelites did because they continued to grumble and complain as God was so clearly guiding them and providing for them. Why would I expect to be any different?
As my new practice is growing, I am nearing the end of my time at my current job. I admit that there have been times when I wonder if there will be money to pay the bills, money for food, money for gas. The thought of not having a paycheck coming on a regular scheduled basis is frightening. But then I look at what God has done in such a short period of time. There is no doubt that God is behind Journey of Life Midwifery. That He is leading us and providing for our every need - above and beyond what we imagined! And as I get to this moment of trusting, the moment I step away from a known to the unknown, do I believe that God is going to provide for my needs? The answer, I am learning, is yes.
In the inner peace that defies my understanding (and past personal experience) I hear God saying that I don't have to worry about any of this. Just as I don't worry about if my heart is going to continue to beat or if I will be able to draw in my next breath, I don't have to worry if there will be enough. Because God is my Provider. And with God, there is always the perfect amount at the perfect time.
To God be the glory!
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